My Trusty Diary - The Only One Who Knows
by Chelle6926
Summary: Buffy's diary entry after "Wrecked". This is the only place she can figure out what she feels. My first fanfic so be gentle. R/R


November 27, 2001  
  
Dear Diary - the only one who knows my thoughts:  
  
I am really messing things up during my third chance at life. I am pushing away the one being who cares about me. I am letting others rule my house and my sister. But I am so afraid I am going to ruin everything if I step out on faith and take control. Let's face it The Powers That Be have not always been nice in regards to me having normalcy - whatever that is anymore.  
  
I have been feeling so empty inside. I don't even know why they brought me back. The only one who is even will try to discuss what happened to me is Spike, and those conversations never go the way I plan. I am really getting tired of putting my foot in my mouth around him. The rest all seem wrapped up in their own little worlds. Xander and Anya are getting married - that still seems really weird in a nice kind of way. Willow and Tara have split because of the one thing that originally brought them together - magic. And Dawn is in High School and has her own real identity now forming, one that I am expected to help shape since Mom passed away. And to top off everyone being here and not really being here, Giles has flown back to England to teach me how to live on my own - I am still oh so mad at him for leaving right now.  
  
Willow is in deep with magic, so deep that she is hurting everyone around her. I want to be there for her, but tonight she put Dawn in danger. I'm not sure if her being here is the best option, but I don't want to put her in the streets in the condition she is in. Amy is sure to come pick her up, and I know that is not going to help. Since she de-ratted Amy, Willow has gotten deeper and deeper into this addiction. I think I need to call an old friend for help with her. I will call Angel tomorrow and see if he knows anyone in LA that could help her through this.  
  
Yeah, I am good one to talk about addictions. I can't stay away from mine. Why does he have to be a souless Vampire? I remember when Spike first came to Sunnydale. I was a sophomore in high school. Angel said that when Spike had wanted something he would focus entirely on it until he got it. That is so unvampire like, they usually just come and plunder and kill. Spike is so different, even from Angel/Angelus, his sire. Spike does love, and loves deeply - just look at all the years he was with Dru. Now that love is focused on me and I am scared of it. Right now I have barricaded him away from my room with garlic and have a cross beside me in case the garlic doesn't work, I know not very mature but I need to time to sort out my heart.  
  
Angel was the love of my life or so I thought. When he lost his soul and turned into Angelus, there was nothing left but hatred. When he left for Los Angeles I was not as upset as I should have been. Then there was Parker - can we just say mistake and loneliness and leave it at that. When Riley came along all I wanted was to be a normal college kid. Go to class, hang with my friends, and have a cute guy who cared about me. Then he turned out to be not normal either. Why can't I just have the normal life that my parents always planned for me - I know because I am the Slayer.  
  
Now Spike is in my life, or I guess I should say he is in my life again. It seems whenever I have been at a crossroads in my life since becoming the Slayer, Spike has always been there - in a good or bad way. He was there when I had to defeat Angelus, he had just returned to Sunnydale when I needed a good fight after the screw up with Parker, he was there I had to fight the Initiative, and after that he stayed. Sure he has the chip issue - which for some reason I wish I could get it removed, but he stayed even after I died and look out for the gang. If that is not love, then I don't know what is. So why can't I just go to him and let myself feel free to love him the way I want too.  
  
Since I began to have nightly talking sessions with Spike I have begun to figure out how to feel again. He has a way of being brutally honest about everything. It really helps, I wish more of the gang would take lessons from him. I know I want to be with him, but what if I only want him in my life to replace Giles. Plus what happens if that chip comes out. Does he only love me because he can't have his old life right now? I need to know I can trust him no matter what the future brings. Time, I just need some more time. 


End file.
